There are a number of things in my life that would be SOOOO much easier if I would just give in and say to someone, “I can’t do this alone. Can you please help me?” But those words are difficult for me to say because in the past, asking for help or showing weakness has been held against me. So I find a way, do magic tricks, perform impossible feats in an attempt to do it all on my own. These attempts often end in disaster or tears or both; however, the memory of these disastrous ends do not deter me from repeating this behavior again and again (more of that insanity, eh?).
I think the number one reason why I don’t ask for help is that I don’t want to impose on anyone or become a burden. Maybe it’s something that carried over from my childhood. My mother was a single parent and worked several jobs to make ends meet. When she got home in the evenings she was tired so I didn’t bother her with petty issues. If I could handle it myself I would. If I couldn’t handle it myself I would FIND a way to handle it myself and I guess I still do that. I know that people have their own lives and problems and what right do I have to add my issues to that? And in the grand scheme of things my problems are pointless and minuscule though they seem monumental to me. If only this twisted logic would somehow make the tasks I need to complete simpler, but ultimately it further exacerbates the problem; adding another layer of unwarranted stress. Stress leads to other bad behaviors like drinking, insomnia, eating of junk food at odd hours of the night. I recognize the fault but I don’t know how to begin to overcome it.