Here’s the secret everybody knows.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion and all of us feel it. It’s almost impossible not to when you’re working toward a goal, making little to no progress and then you peek out of the trenches to see a mediocre, less dedicated version of you ahead of the race.
That reads really negative and telling and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this what I want to say about myself?
*I sincerely debated deleting what I wrote above and starting from a more neutral angle, but I decided against it. The reason why it makes me uncomfortable is because it’s true. It’s hard to see the celebration of mediocrity when you’re in deep and struggling to get your shoulders above the the waterline. I have to admit, I’ve been in those feelings all week long and let me tell you, they did not serve me AT ALL. In fact, it felt like something or someone had pushed the button to activate my crazy and I forgot the sequence to disable it. For real, for real? I was debating a complete withdrawal from social media and all things publishing related because it was causing me too much stress. I even said as much on Twitter. I’ve taken a Twitter and Facebook hiatus before and when I came back I felt renewed. By the time the dinner hour rolled around I was committed to that decision. Sometimes a bitch just needs a break. The stress fell away in that moment. I felt relief for the first time all week.
But as I watched Empire, reality began to creep back in.
Small aside–yes, I know it comes on Wednesday, but I only get to watch my tv shows if I get my work done. You all will also be horrified to know that I still haven’t finished watching the last season of SOA and I’m only two episodes into the new season of House of Cards–
but I digress…
Like I said, reality smacked me in the face because the way my publishing schedule is set up…
I really can’t afford to take a break right now.
Keeping abreast of publishing news. Getting involved in conversations about diversity in publishing and just being visible is kinda part of my job description as modern writer. It would be different if I never bothered to establish an author platform, but I have one now and it has to be maintained. And really …I need to quit getting caught up with my tiny baby feelings.
There will always be someone less talented but more successful so I have to find a way to deal with this. And that requires introspection.
*massive eye roll*
So why am I so upset/jealous/stressed out about my writing career?
I’m upset because I’m comparing my success to others.
Plain and simple.
Quit doing that.
I know it’s easier said than done, but if this behavior is derailing my productivity that it is hindering my own success. That can’t happen.
So I need to focus on my own shit.
And like a friend once told me when I suggested we jump on the bandwagon and write something on trend, she said, “trends flare and fade. We’re classic.”
So true, babe. So true.
Going into the weekend I’m reassessing my goals:
*the latter portion of this blog post was written the morning of March 13. I started it in Monday evening. The “dear diary” tone of it made me feel uncomfortable, but in the end, I decided that they were my true feelings. And we strive to be truthful here, right?
Thanks again for suffering through it.